I have made a lot of adult decisions in the past year. Its both overwhelming and empowering at the same time. Its making me think most importantly- where is it taking me?
I havent realised a lot of goals I set for myself by now. Its a confession- the depressing sort. Having moved to Sydney, I expected more extra-ordinary things in life. A couple of weeks in and I am already doubting. With no job, no prospective placement, working in a restaurant for $15 an hour, meeting people who have succumed to the devil of the city is quite depressing for a 23 yr old with big dreams. Questions- are all my dreams going to fail me too? Is it a consequence of the decisions that I take? Am I a fighter enough to fight this? Am I going to be one of those adults who only have big dreams without fulfilling any? Too many questions with ambigious answers make me think, am I going to a mid-life crisis esque phase.
This is a time of change and I want to change with it- positively. The only thing that remains to be sorted out is my capabilty and strengh to change. I personally want it, crave it and follow it, but is that enough? The answer is no, a big fat capital NO. The general loss of motivation and drive really hurts. This is a way of letting it out, but not the cure. I want a cure. Yes, a cure would be nice.
It is usually commonly said, a hard look at yourself helps in knocking you back into reality. But does it give you enough courage to fight your way out of it? It is really hard if you only can do that much and when it lets you down, have beers by yourself while smoking to your slow death. It's when you again realise you are back to square one after having thought you have fighting while a lot of other people have left you behind without having fought for it. A shrug and a strong educated opinion is not enough anymore. Its the success that counts- not the fight.
Media is a distraction from life. TV, Movies etc bring a lot of hope and hatred and emotional run-ups. At what point do you start believing it? I used to be a hater on Bollywood Movies and TV because it makes the general unaware Indian public into believing in unreal drama. And its hard to suddenly realise that you have become one of the victims without realising. The harder hit is that you don't even really believe in it! Awareness is apparently miles apart from how you have been influenced. Learning you are still experiencing confused feelings about someone who has completely moved on after having held the leash for multiple years does not help. It makes you disoriented, dramatically emotional and unrealistic. Having other things in life not sorting out only adds to it. Is it going to get better? Or this is just what being an adult is all about. If so, shouldnt I be more capable of handling whats being thrown in my face?
I do realise tomorrow is a new day and that makes me happy. A new day will add new hours, new experiences and new hopes to my life. At the end of the day, as much shit I feel I am into, as long as I feel and know there are better things in store for me in future, I will survive. Its when I start doubting that that it hurts. It hurts.
1 comment:
Will you stop exaggerating everything like always.You havent realised a lot of goals you had set out for yourself. Well as you yourself said its only been a couple of weeks. Atleast give yourself a fair chance before you start doubting yourself. Give yourself atleast a year before you even think of writing a post like this one. Tomorrow when you have a job, a bigger house, more clothes, great salary etc, do you think your life would be super easy?? Really, oh really, do you really??
Your situation is uncertain, risky and hence exciting, its a good situation to be in. Your situation does not bother me, its your whole outlook and approach towards this situation that bothers me. "oh my god-its a mid life crises, Will i ever be able to make it, am i strong enough, will i fail like others?? Oh will you just please shut up and do what needs to be done. You need to apply for jobs left right and centre, work extra-earn a few more bucks, spend a lil less and be busy. Stop thinking crazy and keep busy.
To answer all your crappy self doubting questions, yes you have the strength to fight this and succeed. Now this is just not an empty encouraging comment, why i say this is because YOU HAD THE GUTS to move out alone to a new city and give yourself a shot at the kind of life that you want to live. Trust me you have the minerals, it will all come through in due time so take it easy. You dont have to change anything, its all there, you just need to be a lil more persistent and patient, thats all. Dont go changing unnecessarily, Otherwise after one year you will be writing a blog on "What have i changed into". You just need to make sure that you do all that needs to be done and dont worry too much about it. If things have to work out they will, and in the remote possibility of things not working out, atleast you wont have any regrets and inturn you will have the courage to start a new dream. But i hope it all works out for you. All my best wishes are with you for you to succeed in this.
Man can you go more filmy with a line like, "Its the success that matters not the fight". Oye listen, be careful about how badly you want the success. Otherwise after 1 year you will have bigger problems than the ones you do right now.
Give yourself a break, when was the last time you had a well done steak with buttered vegetables and mashed potatoes or aloo paranthas or went out dancing with your girlfriends or went out on a date. Is somebody else supposed to have a good time on your behalf while you are busy sulking in your self created maze of self doubt and crappy attitude?? What i mean to say is do not stop having fun just because life is not perfect as per you, Who cares if things are not perfect right now, and let me save you the suspense, they never will be. There would always be something that you would want and didnt have, but that doesnt mean we stop having fun. You always need to have fun. So start doing things that you like and make you happy. Ok, money is not much but then you dont need a lot of money to have fun if you really know what makes you happy. And if you do have some extra cash you can always come over to Amsterdam.
It is life that is being thrown in your face, the real world and it is not pretty. If you let it hurt you, it will hurt you bad, if you let it defeat you, it will bitch slap you in your face and laugh at you. So dont let it. Life is what you make it to be, you are doing a good job at trying to make the best of it, so kudos to you and go for it with all that you have and stop cribbing and doubting youself.
Do what needs to be done, fuck the rest and have fun.
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