The irony that my life is.

When Frodo gets bit

2011-04-25T18:42:00.000-07:00

The strands of venomous breed
withdrawing all spirit
enveloping in its own creed
with nothing left to do but silently breathe.

Lifelessness had caught up
the sting of merciless poison
pushing fear close to death
but numb made it be.

Mummified in the cocoon
white, very pure
uncharacteristically in the gloom
darkness obscure.

Senseless to the love
desperately trying to be reached
from a source warm as a glove
left scornfully breached.

Sorrow overpowering strength
hid behind the stone so Gray
silence engulfed as it meant
so protect which would otherwise be prey.

Now- 7.06.10

2010-06-07T03:13:00.000-07:00

My first attempt at actual song writing after the first time following which I dragged myself through poetry writing, finally realising it was not my forte- not strong enough.

It is the fire
I am looking for
Where is it gone?
in this death of a suction.

tough as it is
I will survive
Tough as it is
I will not be sublime

the journey being so long
is also dry
imagining a different world
I find the other side

a moth in a plight
without the fire
in a disbelievable common fight
no motivation, no desire

tough as it is
I will survive
tough as it is
I will not be sublime

Love and hope
not within my reach
the car's still running
I only hear it screech.

empty land of disappointment
the only way I learn
the only way I feel contempment
allowing it to completely burn.

tough as it is
I will survive
Tough as it is
I hope I survive.

Mid-life crisis?

2010-06-07T02:34:00.000-07:00

I have made a lot of adult decisions in the past year. Its both overwhelming and empowering at the same time. Its making me think most importantly- where is it taking me?

I havent realised a lot of goals I set for myself by now. Its a confession- the depressing sort. Having moved to Sydney, I expected more extra-ordinary things in life. A couple of weeks in and I am already doubting. With no job, no prospective placement, working in a restaurant for $15 an hour, meeting people who have succumed to the devil of the city is quite depressing for a 23 yr old with big dreams. Questions- are all my dreams going to fail me too? Is it a consequence of the decisions that I take? Am I a fighter enough to fight this? Am I going to be one of those adults who only have big dreams without fulfilling any? Too many questions with ambigious answers make me think, am I going to a mid-life crisis esque phase.

This is a time of change and I want to change with it- positively. The only thing that remains to be sorted out is my capabilty and strengh to change. I personally want it, crave it and follow it, but is that enough? The answer is no, a big fat capital NO. The general loss of motivation and drive really hurts. This is a way of letting it out, but not the cure. I want a cure. Yes, a cure would be nice.

It is usually commonly said, a hard look at yourself helps in knocking you back into reality. But does it give you enough courage to fight your way out of it? It is really hard if you only can do that much and when it lets you down, have beers by yourself while smoking to your slow death. It's when you again realise you are back to square one after having thought you have fighting while a lot of other people have left you behind without having fought for it. A shrug and a strong educated opinion is not enough anymore. Its the success that counts- not the fight.

Media is a distraction from life. TV, Movies etc bring a lot of hope and hatred and emotional run-ups. At what point do you start believing it? I used to be a hater on Bollywood Movies and TV because it makes the general unaware Indian public into believing in unreal drama. And its hard to suddenly realise that you have become one of the victims without realising. The harder hit is that you don't even really believe in it! Awareness is apparently miles apart from how you have been influenced. Learning you are still experiencing confused feelings about someone who has completely moved on after having held the leash for multiple years does not help. It makes you disoriented, dramatically emotional and unrealistic. Having other things in life not sorting out only adds to it. Is it going to get better? Or this is just what being an adult is all about. If so, shouldnt I be more capable of handling whats being thrown in my face?

I do realise tomorrow is a new day and that makes me happy. A new day will add new hours, new experiences and new hopes to my life. At the end of the day, as much shit I feel I am into, as long as I feel and know there are better things in store for me in future, I will survive. Its when I start doubting that that it hurts. It hurts.

Branch

2009-06-02T21:01:00.000-07:00

Awakening? Its all relative I think. I am beginning to think that I have lived two different lives till now. They are both quite opposite and dramatic. This experience has indeed changed the way I think and influenced my current lifestyle to an extreme degree.

I don't hate much, but one of the foremost on my hate list is the social concrete parameters that has been weaved into our everyday lives. If you try to break it or bend it, you are looked down upon. You are seen as a weird out-of-the-box person who does not fit in these social surroundings. You are degraded and made to feel that you have let down a lot of people. It is dictatorship through a social channel.

While conversing with my mom last night, I came to the realization that she perhaps has expectations of me that I cannot fulfill. She has given me enough space to let me feel and learn from my experiences and make up my own ideologies, but will she succumb to social pressure for other things? I have escaped the narrow life ideologies and would never bend to things like that, ever. I only hope they can understand that I live for my contentedness and not to be socially appropriate.

Why can't we live on our basics? The world has become such a complex place with so many social prohibitions and unwritten guidelines that a lot of people don't really think for themselves and just simply follow the path laid down to them. If you conceive the abnormalities and try to break through them, you are ousted. Is it justified then, keeping in mind the danger of losing civility in our society? Its almost as if the outline for our lives is sketched out and we are supposed to stick to the inside of the lines.

Jim Morrison wrote :

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need of some stranger's hand
In a desperate land

I can't begin to explain how much these lines relate to my life!

I just consider myself very lucky for what I have gone through, all the experiences, to have the capability to understand the change, the impact of the change and the value of it. I will never want to trade this for any different life. I am glad I met the people I did, made the friends I made and made the best friends I made.

Love Love,
Ruch.

2009-06-02T05:07:00.001-07:00

I have been interested in reading the massive downturn in the Ca Manufacturing industry for a while now, but only now, after reading about GM have I felt the need to put it in words.

Cars are essentials- almost as essential as clothes these days and it is astounding to see how the financial turmoil has thrown some of the biggest companies in the world into their worst situations. GM has gone into bankruptcy and the Obama Govt. is taking over its management. This raises a lot of questions – starting with what events led it to its bankruptcy? How will the US Govt. control the company while also being a major stakeholder in Chrysler? What will the result of standing on the two opposite fronts of the Carbon emissions issue be? What will their attitude towards using imported parts be? How will the trade policy issues be treated?

The numbers are both shocking and astounding. The important elements involved in the process are as follows –

* The bondholders are to surrender US$ 27.1 b in unsecured debt in exchange for 10% equity in the new GM (also dubbed as Government Motors now – amusing much?),
* the United Automotive Workers’ Union will take over health care obligations of retired workers in return of 17.5 % stake in the new GM,
* 14 plants close down in the US resulting in 21000 work cuts,
* 42% of their dealerships are axed and
* The Canadian government taking a 12% stake.
* Hummer and Saab sold by GM.

The ex CEO of GM claims that the main problems to throw GM over the line not only involved the current financial crisis but also its rather generous health schemes for its employees and the bitter fact that its cars did not hold a lot of popularity in general public. Eventually, adding to those financial complications was the invariability of the doom in the car industry affecting GM adversely. The sales went down drastically – in Australia alone, the new car sales went down by 20.3%. The price of its shares as of Friday stands at US$.75 cents as opposed to US$ 93.62 in 2000.

Obama’s take over is also a very contradicting move breaking the general tendency of the nation’s commitment to private sector, which is only one of the many contradicting situations arising from this. The US government is also a major stakeholder in Chrysler, a competitor. How independent will the management be considering the implication affecting rival companies, especially in these do-or-die circumstances? Obama instigates that this is only a temporary move and that eventually the control will be moved back to private sector. How much damage will be done by then? His government’s management of these potential conflicts will come under a lot of scrutiny. A statement of intent or nominating a person/body vote the shares will not be sufficient and I hope, with the belief that I have in Obama, he will not stop at that. The effect of his government funding reaching the companies outlets overseas is debated upon considering his strict policies on usage of the taxpayers’ money.

This downfall and downsizing will further the unemployment problem in the US. Will it be able to handle all this? Will it worsen the economic crisis? Will Obama actually turn things around or is it an impossibility? Will this affect his favour ratings? To what extent will this affect markets globally? I have a feeling this bankruptcy will end up being another big thorn in a dying rose bush in this season of an extremely dry summer.

My first official date- a detailed description of the event in the irony that my life is.

2009-04-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

Well, upon much hours of sleeplessness due to hyper brain activity about the forced dinner date, I finally decided to try and consider it as a charity coffee. I really don't think its fair to him that he should spend all that and try to impress me when I have a pre-decided notion about the outcome of this special occasion. No offense at all. To be fair to my decision, he is perhaps the most self-absorbed person I have spoken to, including myself ( ofcourse, I talk to myself. About myself) and exceedingly dry. When you come to the point that you make fun of him and have to explain to him that you just made a funny, you lose interest.

To throw some more background light on the gentleman in question, he was following me the whole night last night. We had a formal dinner at college and went out clubbing after. Everyone at the club knew I was running away from him because they were all designated the duty of pulling me away every time he approached me. Which was- all the time. No exaggeration. His friend asked my friend ' he is not going to get your friend, is he?' and my friend responded, being subtle, ' No'. This subtle response was ofcourse communicated to him, but I think he needs to pick a few tips on the listening and taking hints part of 'communication'. I have to admit though, I did have a bit of fun, ok, maybe quite a lot of evil fun running away and hiding. It was quite an adventure because I never knew how he always found me and I had to think one step ahead of him, placing my men in strategic areas around the club to keep me informed. I am sure I will make a great army strategic planner. Don't judge me, I love my exaggerated thought process.

Ironically, after hours of endless running away and hiding, we ended up walking home together. There were other people involved, but at that point of drunken tiredness especially with heels, everybody has to pair up. First commandment of our religion. And so, we walked back together. During which he asked me out at least 4 times, starting out with a coffee in Paris. Yes, you heard right, coffee in Paris. That was the first of the elaborate stories. Being the polite person that I am, I had to say yes after all the hardships that he had to go through only for me ( yes, he made it a point to point out that he wouldn't have walked for any random because he is too used to get driven around or taking cabs and also he had to take his shoes off because I had my shoes off which was exceptionally difficult for him and I could really see the pain on his face- Just to be in the clear, I didn't ask him once to either walk with me or take his shoes off). He then very intelligently turned the innocent coffee thing into a dinner with reservations. Little did he know, I could pull the same on him and turn it back to a coffee thing today. HA!

It was one of the hardest things I have had to do. One hour of awkward conversation, if you call him talking about himself a conversation. I know his life history. He was born in India to a Caucasian British father and a Portuguese Indian mother but moved to Dubai 2 months after, where he grew up. His mum's an Indian diplomat and so he gets a lot of Indian diplomatic advantages. He keeps traveling between Dubai, London ( his dads side of family lives there) and their holiday home in Switzerland. He spent his last bday in NY because his mom was there who insisted on him spending his bday with her. His Mom is now forcing him to travel to Spain to meet her there. He is doing his Bachelors in Marketing with research honors. He sleeps in his PJs and has to put on his formals as soon as he gets up before arriving in his living room when he is living with his father. He loves chocolate a lot and doesnt like to share it (he did offer to share with me a piece of his choc cake. What can I say- privileges of being a cutie are endless!) He doesn't like to go out much because its unlike his upbringing to drink and make a fool of himself. He hurt his back when trying to piggyback his roommie last night. He discussed me with his housemates who think I am definitely a flowers girl. Ofcourse, he disagrees once I disagree. And umm, this is only the first 10 mins of our 'conversation'.

Is this what dating has come down to? Being squared into saying yes and having to go through this painful ordeal where you keep feeling guilty about him spending for your coffee and caramel cake because you already know that you are going to tell him in the end that you are not 'looking for anything' right now. Why cant people just take hints? I am sure I gave him a thousand and eighty one hints last night! It could have saved me and him so much trouble and awkwardness! and I would have still happily been a dating virgin waiting for my Dark Prince ( I really hadn't been on a proper date with a guy I just met -EVER). On our walk back home after the date and him asking me for the 10th time if I wanted to do something tonight, I finally told him ' I am sorry, I have to be honest with you. I don't want to lead you on and I am really not looking for anything right now. I just have too many things going on in my life and not enough time!' I left it on a good note saying that we can of course be friends. But really, did I have to go through all this?

This is quite an entry about this one guy, but I think he deserves it. He definitely is one of a kind and am sure I will be able to laugh about it more tomorrow. I am happy to be sore about it right now. This misadventure of a first ever date, on retrospection, will be a very fitting first date in the ironic space-time continuum that my life exists in.

multiple personalities?

2008-11-07T16:08:00.000-08:00

Black or white?
Weak or might?
contradicting thoughts,
building a personality.

Bold or shy?
Loud or quiet?
Indecisiveness burdens,
paranoid conscience.

Self portrait,
an ambiguous death,
torturous tornadoes
shouldering mayhem.

Yearning logical patterns
discovering horizons
decisive corners grasped
growing into a human!

Moment

2008-11-07T16:04:00.000-08:00

Sleepy insides bonding
pondering over issues
circling beneath
the artificial masses.

Immaculate power,
extinguishing light,
escaping clueless souls
out into the night.

Gushing with feelings,
brushing off the dirt
lying awake;
damned hypocrite.

Resident will,
lost in indecisiveness;
another opportunity lost,
another moment gone.

Magic Box

2008-11-07T16:02:00.000-08:00

Magic box

opened and sucked me in

deep in it, found a home

my own.

anxious caterpillars

picking at the box

nonchalant control

keeping it locked.

Them living fictitiously

or is it just me?

fairness disqualifies

and does not claim triumph.

Adjustments personified

apparent rouged values

Yet I chose to stay in the box, my home,

Accepting it, my own.

Intoxicated burns

2008-06-28T10:48:00.000-07:00

Sunken in my feelings
Deeply frozen
Vibrations shaking my every cell
Hardly keeping my soul awake.

My throat blocking
Every breath from living
catching my life
before its beginning.

My eyes capturing
the burning moments
crutially false
artifically involving.

The virtue hard to retain
flowing through the same channels all over again
like a fountain
And the Deja Vu remains.

Tag!

2007-12-09T08:16:00.000-08:00

I was tagged sometime back..but its only today I actually thought of giving it a form on my blog...

Here are the rules:

Players start with 8 random facts about themselves.
Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 8 random facts.
Players should tag 8 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

8 Random facts about me:

1. I ran away from school( when I was 3) one afternoon coz I didnt want to go to the cresh I was put into, as the lady there always made us sleep and I never wanted to sleep back then. I walked almost 3 Kms , took help from a uncle to cross the Himayat Nagar Main Road and played with our watchman's Kids the rest of the day till my Mom (after running everywhere looking for me came home) saw me there. I dont really remember much of what happened after that!

2. I have a very sharp sense of smell and can usually detect stuff easily before anyone else does. But that also makes it very difficult for me to breathe when someones washing the house with Acids or when someone bathes themselves with a strong perfume et al.

3. I strongly believe I have an alter Ego in myself. I can be a tomboy and I can also be very Ladylike, I also love some of death Metal and I also love some of old black and white Hindi Movie songs, I hate being photographed and also love it at the same time, I cant stand big family events but also like the family jokes and stories, I am very very talkative and very very quiet sometimes. There are many many more, it really is quite surprising!

4. I am a staunch humanitarian. I do a lot of things just because I realize I am a Human Being and its my obligation to be as good as I can be to my fellow beings as well. And if I dont feel like being so nice to someone, I try to avoid him/her rather than be rude to them as politely as possible. There is one exception to this though..my brother:) I have been mean to him quiet a few times but I defend it since I think brothers/sisters are for you to do that to since you cant be mean to anyone else and get away so easily with it!

5.I can give some amazing gyaan to people. I surprise myself with the kind of stuff I know sometimes. But the not-so-good side of it is that when it comes to my life I always make the wrong choices and take the wrong turns. I know what I should be doing, what any wise person would have done, but that is the very thing I try to rebel against.

6.I once tore my brothers slam book( 10th class slam books are very special to people, and I knew that it was very special to him too) when he accidentally spoiled a chart I was preparing for school..I had almost finished it after giving it a total 5-6 hours of my concentration and hard work. Sweet Vengeance.

7. I hate lizards to the core. I cant stand the sight of them. I once went into a mad frenzy and frantically chased a lizard for almost 1/2 hr, finished a whole spray bottle of cockroach killer spray worth 120 bucks to kill one! Yes, I have killed a lizard! We asked the watchman to take it away. I didn't feel anything when I did it, no joy neither sorrow.

8.I have this big ambition of trying everything in life. And I do work at it sometimes. Now, what I have already tried and what remains to be tried is for me to know and you to find out..:)

Those are the 8 random facts I could think of myself spontaneously.

Hot steel

2007-11-25T06:03:00.000-08:00

Ever felt that you have been good the whole year and yet Santa didnt give you what you wanted? or even something you could consider decent??
I am sitting on hot steel and am trying to jump away..but its my life and you cant really jump off it, can you? even though its burning your very skin. You just try to shift your weight, try to put a cover over the steel (until of course it burns away) and you try to tell your brain you are sitting on lovely transparent floats and relaxing in a great pool.
I think of vengence with great passion. But I have been brought up with great morals which have always told me to forgive and forget. But shouldn't there be any limit to which you can implement forgive and forget?I mean everything has a limit right? If so, then what is the limit? Who is going to judge that? I am not very sure if God will ever punish, coz He preaches forgive and forget.But isn't there someone who should be punishing them? How can they be so content and oblivious to what they have been doing to others? They grow on you like parasites. They conspire to suck out all the blood out of you and you know it, yet, are helpless, coz you have resolved not to do anything at all. Should I change my mind? Should I do something I really don't want to but coz it seems the best and the most deserving thing to do? If I continue keeping mum, how deep will they go? Can I take it any longer? There are some awesome things going on in my life and yet I cant seem to enjoy them!( at which others would have been jublivient!) . The thoughts of betrayal come back to me every night like a haunting tune that I have composed. Yes, I know how it feels feeling your rotten most and no its nothing like what you feel even when a truck goes over your foot or when you are hanging upside down from a plane and your hair gets caught in the blades of the copter flying below you. Its worse.
The perennial question is what should I be doing about it?
Its always a big debate with myself. And again in the end I still have absolutely no idea what to do to make all the horrors go away.

Numb

2007-10-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

Bitterment buried
dillusions cleared
raw to core
the wound bandaged.

sweet poison
like nothing imagined
killed something
'am coming undone.

Tear away, Unleash
whats percieved so strong, so delicate
in the midst
suffocate, wait, anticipate.

Fear of hope
gripping the pain
numb,
I'll be.

The Walk

2007-09-12T21:48:00.000-07:00

At a crossroad we held hands,
Promising to walk together..
On the same path with lively bushes and fragrant flowers.

He walked with me,
held me hand,
laughed with me,
Wiped my tears.

But realization dawned
with time already filled with relishing memories;
It was all an illusion.

His path was not mine,
His hands barely held mine,
His path was not the same,
It ran parallel to mine.

The gap between the paths,
full of deceits and acts,
was all but widening,
with fresh new grass.

Our fate brought us to a standstill,
the gap had grown wide and green,
so much so
that I could barely recognize him.

Its been a while now,
our paths have differed completely,
running in opposite directions,
Him on his and me on mine.

Yet I often wonder, If this could ever have worked;
If there was a way to bridge the gap;
If there was a way to go back and walk the same path together.

Big Bad World!

2007-07-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

Out of college, out of the "protective" boundaries of the College walls, Into the big bad world.

Its been close to 2 months now having joined G******.Hows the experience?? Almost grueling. I have come to understand a new meaning of realizing ones potential. Working for 12-14 hours with the haunt of going home to cold food and a quiet sleepy house is indeed the big bad world. Squeezing in "your bit" till every cell in your body cries with exhaustion is the big bad world. Artificially smiling and trying to get along with the people you could have sworn at in College is the big bad world.

Yes, unfortunately my first job experience isn't very satisfying. I have forever been starving for people sharing my views and mind frame and I am totally lost in a place where anyone would have thought I would have found at least a few!

Its is indeed sad to see how people are made to work like Dogs paying them something not even fit to appreciate half of what they do. Ofcourse G***** is famous for its amazing trainings and various degrees you can achieve while working, showing very well on your CV. But the fact remains 70% of the people do not have time to go for those because they are overburdened with work. I have seen people working for 20 hours!Yes, and I am not faking it. Its a solid bare fact any company should be ashamed of. Very ironically the company preaches "happy people excel within" and "speak your mind". There are wonderful competitions and celebrations held for the employees of the company, but again, hardly anyone has the time to get off their desks and participate or even watch them for that matter! I have superiors who still cant distinguish between "their" and "there", and I am supposed to be having them as my mentors. And I work in a big MNC KPO which is very proud of itself to be what it is and will soon be listed on the NYSE. I have my chairman telling blatantly that employees is not everything to him, his clients are. I wonder what he would do if his employees didnt do such a good job, where he would get his clients from.This to a packed house of his employees. And with no reaction from any of the employees. This is the company I work for.

Indeed its a big bad world out there.

realisation......

2007-03-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

"Deceiving to please
Lying to defy
pretending to suffice.

Nature's dying
A soul withdrawing
Another shying.

Self escaping
Self blaming
Perennially harming

Lies, Lies
they scream
Hell, hell
they mean.

flirting with the truth
magicians tricks
charmer at work."

To be or not be

2007-01-30T21:18:00.000-08:00

I am so tired of being here
shown the path after being so near
Is it the problem or is it the cure!?
so scared of the end, so clear

The hourglass standing still
Frozen in time,half-way,
The beads of sand reluctant
to drop down all the way.

A sense of blindness overcoming fear
which is better, if not the cure;
After all not being able to see
is a convenient disguise for not wanting to believe.

Packed away I am, mine.
In the wings of time,
Not judging my plight,
Lying still in the midst of the night.

random thoughts

2007-01-30T21:15:00.000-08:00

A gap forming
feeling less binding
I am to blame-always..
me, myself..alone.

To a loved one i am a deciever,
A bitch in the weaver.

a bubble from the froth,
bursting to be gone.

Disconnected is relative,
illusioned is medicative,
lies is dedicative.

realize it like a mirror..
just a reflection, not the self.
just a skin on me, not the self.
just pretending, not the self.

Never 2 sides of a coin..only one.
the other one is our shield..our excuse.

soulless is the mantra..
no root,no branches, no fruit, no truth.