My first attempt at actual song writing after the first time following which I dragged myself through poetry writing, finally realising it was not my forte- not strong enough.
It is the fire
I am looking for
Where is it gone?
in this death of a suction.
tough as it is
I will survive
Tough as it is
I will not be sublime
the journey being so long
is also dry
imagining a different world
I find the other side
a moth in a plight
without the fire
in a disbelievable common fight
no motivation, no desire
tough as it is
I will survive
tough as it is
I will not be sublime
Love and hope
not within my reach
the car's still running
I only hear it screech.
empty land of disappointment
the only way I learn
the only way I feel contempment
allowing it to completely burn.
tough as it is
I will survive
Tough as it is
I hope I survive.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Mid-life crisis?
I have made a lot of adult decisions in the past year. Its both overwhelming and empowering at the same time. Its making me think most importantly- where is it taking me?
I havent realised a lot of goals I set for myself by now. Its a confession- the depressing sort. Having moved to Sydney, I expected more extra-ordinary things in life. A couple of weeks in and I am already doubting. With no job, no prospective placement, working in a restaurant for $15 an hour, meeting people who have succumed to the devil of the city is quite depressing for a 23 yr old with big dreams. Questions- are all my dreams going to fail me too? Is it a consequence of the decisions that I take? Am I a fighter enough to fight this? Am I going to be one of those adults who only have big dreams without fulfilling any? Too many questions with ambigious answers make me think, am I going to a mid-life crisis esque phase.
This is a time of change and I want to change with it- positively. The only thing that remains to be sorted out is my capabilty and strengh to change. I personally want it, crave it and follow it, but is that enough? The answer is no, a big fat capital NO. The general loss of motivation and drive really hurts. This is a way of letting it out, but not the cure. I want a cure. Yes, a cure would be nice.
It is usually commonly said, a hard look at yourself helps in knocking you back into reality. But does it give you enough courage to fight your way out of it? It is really hard if you only can do that much and when it lets you down, have beers by yourself while smoking to your slow death. It's when you again realise you are back to square one after having thought you have fighting while a lot of other people have left you behind without having fought for it. A shrug and a strong educated opinion is not enough anymore. Its the success that counts- not the fight.
Media is a distraction from life. TV, Movies etc bring a lot of hope and hatred and emotional run-ups. At what point do you start believing it? I used to be a hater on Bollywood Movies and TV because it makes the general unaware Indian public into believing in unreal drama. And its hard to suddenly realise that you have become one of the victims without realising. The harder hit is that you don't even really believe in it! Awareness is apparently miles apart from how you have been influenced. Learning you are still experiencing confused feelings about someone who has completely moved on after having held the leash for multiple years does not help. It makes you disoriented, dramatically emotional and unrealistic. Having other things in life not sorting out only adds to it. Is it going to get better? Or this is just what being an adult is all about. If so, shouldnt I be more capable of handling whats being thrown in my face?
I do realise tomorrow is a new day and that makes me happy. A new day will add new hours, new experiences and new hopes to my life. At the end of the day, as much shit I feel I am into, as long as I feel and know there are better things in store for me in future, I will survive. Its when I start doubting that that it hurts. It hurts.
I havent realised a lot of goals I set for myself by now. Its a confession- the depressing sort. Having moved to Sydney, I expected more extra-ordinary things in life. A couple of weeks in and I am already doubting. With no job, no prospective placement, working in a restaurant for $15 an hour, meeting people who have succumed to the devil of the city is quite depressing for a 23 yr old with big dreams. Questions- are all my dreams going to fail me too? Is it a consequence of the decisions that I take? Am I a fighter enough to fight this? Am I going to be one of those adults who only have big dreams without fulfilling any? Too many questions with ambigious answers make me think, am I going to a mid-life crisis esque phase.
This is a time of change and I want to change with it- positively. The only thing that remains to be sorted out is my capabilty and strengh to change. I personally want it, crave it and follow it, but is that enough? The answer is no, a big fat capital NO. The general loss of motivation and drive really hurts. This is a way of letting it out, but not the cure. I want a cure. Yes, a cure would be nice.
It is usually commonly said, a hard look at yourself helps in knocking you back into reality. But does it give you enough courage to fight your way out of it? It is really hard if you only can do that much and when it lets you down, have beers by yourself while smoking to your slow death. It's when you again realise you are back to square one after having thought you have fighting while a lot of other people have left you behind without having fought for it. A shrug and a strong educated opinion is not enough anymore. Its the success that counts- not the fight.
Media is a distraction from life. TV, Movies etc bring a lot of hope and hatred and emotional run-ups. At what point do you start believing it? I used to be a hater on Bollywood Movies and TV because it makes the general unaware Indian public into believing in unreal drama. And its hard to suddenly realise that you have become one of the victims without realising. The harder hit is that you don't even really believe in it! Awareness is apparently miles apart from how you have been influenced. Learning you are still experiencing confused feelings about someone who has completely moved on after having held the leash for multiple years does not help. It makes you disoriented, dramatically emotional and unrealistic. Having other things in life not sorting out only adds to it. Is it going to get better? Or this is just what being an adult is all about. If so, shouldnt I be more capable of handling whats being thrown in my face?
I do realise tomorrow is a new day and that makes me happy. A new day will add new hours, new experiences and new hopes to my life. At the end of the day, as much shit I feel I am into, as long as I feel and know there are better things in store for me in future, I will survive. Its when I start doubting that that it hurts. It hurts.
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